Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I want her autograph on my taint
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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