I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
