He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
