Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
FUCK WHALES
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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