I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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