I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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