420 ftw
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize