he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
