Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
