just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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