if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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