New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize