My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
