Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
