Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize