Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
