I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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