mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
