I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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