My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
