I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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