So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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