Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
