Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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