JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just puked most of my soul out..
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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