Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
