Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize