I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
two words: eviction party
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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