i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
