I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
