ya dads aren't the best wingmen
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
