if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
