The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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