Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
