Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
