I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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