I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
