dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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