well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
