Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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