I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
