Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize