I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
