Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
