Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
