I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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