I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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