Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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