I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
