I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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