when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
