Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
