I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
