so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
