I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Drunk walkin through police station. America
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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