Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
