Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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