I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
