So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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