His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
