he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize